I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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