I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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