i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
