why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
