i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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