apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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