is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
