Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
