i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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