Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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