Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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