Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
