I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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