no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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