my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
