Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
