Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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