Are we in a gay sports bar?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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