Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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