he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
