She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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