I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
why do cheetos always look like penises
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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