he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
