Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
