Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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