Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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