U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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