there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
