Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
This is my gift to your gina
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
