I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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