Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
