he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
