I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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