Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
