Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
