That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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