I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
