Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
