hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
