epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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