if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
