She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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