her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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