M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
