just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
