this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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