I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
