You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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