my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I bet he comes in French.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
