i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
